![]() ![]() I don't think you read all three chapters.Īnyway, to the author, I agree with the other anonymous commenter said about those lines of dialogue that felt a bit "off." Making jokes in the narrative voice is fine, but only if you do it regularly-dropping just a couple of jokes that way means they break the overall story flow. Lots of potential, but lacking in execution. The last few paragraphs are, I believe, supposed to work in a way similar to the end scene of the episode, but instead just feel tacked on. made the whole thing sadder by having the characters complain about the injustice done to them, not to mention all the gloomy!Luna you added in for good measure. It ends on a rather positive note whereas your fic. I, however, felt that you achieved just the opposite - at the end of the episode, they are laughing, if only because at that point, the alternative would be crying (Oh, Trollestia, we love you so). What really got to me though, and I realise this is rather silly, is that your stated intention was softening the "raw deal" the mane six got with the disastrous gala. By now you've probably heard that a dozen times, though. The dialogue felt forced, or perhaps "rushed" would be a more precise criticism: Nothing too bad, but another editor would certainly help refine the lines. Her character doesn't fit into the scene, at the beginning she comes off as overly melodramatic and around the middle of the story, she just plain relegated the mane six to bit players. To be frank, this felt as if you had a good idea for a short little funny fic, then had another idea for a fic about Luna and why she wasn't at the Gala, then sort of mashed them together at the last minute without really planning it through. ![]() The rest of the story is very well-crafted, in-character, and enjoyable. It's a testament to your skills at writing the dialogue, though, that only those two lines felt "wrong" to me. The second line could have been cut out of the story completely without affecting it, and it elevated what was simply churlish behavior to the level of high crime. The first one stops being realistic dialogue so that it can use the 20% cooler line, which seems like a bad idea I recommend building new dialogue instead of relying on making references to please people. "They're at least twenty percent cooler than my idea!" and "Considering apple pies were considered the weapon of choice for an Applosian range war, this was roughly equivalent to using her as a shield from an assault rifle." This was definitely a worthwhile read I loved your characterization of Luna and the dialogue was generally very strong.Ī couple of lines did startle me out of the story a bit, though: ![]()
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